


Angel

by metaphilia



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen, This is what happens, then your brain decides to write something completely different, when you decide to make a concept for a fix fic, you see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 16:06:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2513786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metaphilia/pseuds/metaphilia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who am I? What am I? Amber light. Deafening humming. Questions. Something is left, yet another thing is lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awaken

"Lilin. An angel. No, multiple angels. Or only one? What is Lilin? Is it familiar? Is it... strange? Me. Am I Lilin? I am a part of that whole? Is Lilin me? What am I? Am I Lilin? Am I a part of that Angel? Am I an Angel? If I am, then I must be. But what if I am not? What if there is no me? What am I then?"

The sound of humming and the warm amber glow of some kind of preservative chamber possess the room. It is deafening, like the roar of some giant beast come to eat the Earth whole. The glow is like the feel of a mother's womb. Comforting. There is a voice speaking. It is soft, yet not soft. Maybe deep, but not too much, like the end of the three foot water in a pool. Is it really audible? Is it a hallucination?

"What am I? Who am I? Who am I not? Those I know. Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami, Asuka Langley Soryu. Children. Pilots. Misato Katsuragi, Ryoji Kaji, Ritsuko Akagi. Who are they? Who are they really? I do not know them well. Kozo Fuyutsuki. Vice Commander of Nerv. Gendo Ikari. Commander Ikari. Do I know Gendo Ikari? Who is that? Do I know them?"

Whatever is in the chamber shifts. Skin? Fur? Short fur. Fur like a Greyhound, or dog like that. Short blue fur. Is it sleeping? Is it awake? Questions. Questions float around the room. The chamber casts an amber light and a shadow is left upon the floor.

"Is this life? I don't remember life... Not before... Before what? What was before? Before. Before me? Before me, here, thinking, being? Was I someone else? Was I me? What am I? What am I? What..."

The door slides open and a blonde woman steps into the room, a clipboard in hand. She approaches a small panel and presses a few buttons. The humming grows quiet.

"You. Who are you? Do I know you? What is your name?"

"You speak, then. Your tone hasn't changed one bit. Still the same as ever. Stubborn and demanding, just like you always were. Like you are now."

"What is your name? Who are you? Tell me."

"You don't recognize my voice, then? Hm. I should expect it. You haven't displayed any sign of life for three months. More than long enough for you to forget about me."

The voice is more commanding. Raised. Strained.

"Tell me who you are."

No response. Unbeknownst to the woman in the room, a tiny crack has formed in the glass.

"Tell me who you are!"

"Stop being so demanding."

"Tell me!"

Glass shatters and amber liquid pours. The woman backs away, a frown on her face. The being lay on the floor, unmoving, except for its mouth. 

"You've made a mess. Then again, I didn't expect this to happen any other way. Three months. Have you been thinking for three months? Three months and no breakthroughs on etiquette or manners. No, you only have those when it's in your best interest, don't you? Don't you?"

Mocking. Humiliation. Anger. The beast moves an eye under its lid. Open, eye, open! Open and see the hag that mocks you! Open and let out fury and anger! Let her know you are not to be mocked!

"Tell me."

It is pleading. It needs to know. It needs to know. For the sake of its existence, its identity, its sanity. It needs to know.

"Chief of Project E, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi of the Bureau of Technology's First Division." 

"Akagi...? Aka-Akagi? Ritsuko...?"

"You remember?"

A fuzzy image. It becomes clearer. It knows her. It knows her! It shifts, shaking and struggling. Eyes moving. Arise, hound of hell! Arise! Get up from the filthy dirt and stand! Stand!

"Ritsuko Akagi..."

Suddenly eyes open, nerve connections relay, muscles move. The beast pulls itself to a sitting position. Pain. There is pain. All is pain. For one blinding moment, it all hurts, everything burns. 

"Who am I?"

That is the driving force behind it. It must know who it is.

"What am I?"

It must know what it is.

"Will you tell me?"

"You are Gendo Ikari, former commander of Nerv, and the nineteenth angel, Puriel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I finished this during the night. Hopefully this isn't some kind of night-blogging type story and I can write this during the day!


	2. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The questions of who and what have been answered, but that gives no explanation to how the current situation arose. Rather than explain everything, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi decides it might be better if things were shown.

Footage review. The blonde woman had locked him in here to watch the tapes. He was powerless to stop her, too. He didn't want to be there alone. Being alone was bad. Being alone meant bad things would happen.

A voice in the back of his head told him it was bad. Look away. He didn't, however. He ignored whatever weak fiber of thought that was. This was the only explanation he would get. It was disgusting. He hated the creature he saw. It was a horrible, cruel, violent beast that didn't deserve to live. But wasn't that thing on the screen...? No, it was best to stop thinking about it. It was best to focus on the screen and watch. Not think.

Thinking about it would only make it worse.

\-----

"Shinji, you can't kill it! It's not an Angel!" Major Misato Katsuragi, the one in command of Nerv HQ's Tactical Operations branch.

"Wh-What?!"

"The AT Field isn't that of an Angel's!" Ritsuko Akagi. She knew more about that type of thing than anyone else. Nobody wanted to doubt what she was saying, but that just sounded so far-fetched.

"What is it, then?!"

"It's...A Lilin AT Field?!" Maya Ibuki... She worked directly under Dr. Akagi.

"Shinji, that's not an Angel! It's a person!"

"That's impossible! Why else would it be doing this-"

Suddenly the dogish pig thing that was the "Angel" bit down on the back of Eva-01's neck plating. Shinji, confused and afraid, much like in the situation that had occurred with Toji and Unit-03, stopped fighting. It wasn't an angel, so he wouldn't fight it. That was the right thing to do. Wasn't it?

"The Magi system should be able to identify the AT Field!"

"You decided to wait around to tell us that?! Shinji's out there being murdered and you tell us that only now?! Do whatever you have to to!"

"Right." The scientist produced a vial of orange-red liquid and pressed a button, opening a small chamber. "The scan could take up to three minutes, since this is all of humanity we're going through! Can you hold out that long, Shinji?"

Only a scream came in response. The angel had pried off one of the pieces of plating, and had the Eva by the skin of her neck. It started slamming the unit into the side of the cliff face. The same cliff face where the Dummy Plug System had so cruelly destroyed and ruined Eva-03. The situation was getting bad, and fast.

"Run the scan already!" The dark-haired woman barked the order out, startling the three technicians. "We don't have time for long-winded explanations! Just do it!"

Maya nodded as Ritsuko placed the vial into the opening, and typed in the command for the computer.

"This is one of the worst situations possible. Commander Ikari is missing, and in no state to be anywhere alone. We're facing what, as of now, seems to be an undeafeatable enemy... Seele is gone.. Presumably they wished to stay like they ended up..."

"Vice Commander Fuyutsuki... You... You really don't know what to do in this kind of situation, do you?"

"I'm hesitant about following any one choice of action."

"The scan h- Oh God. Oh God!" Unable to hold back the bile that had been piling at the back of her throat the whole time, Maya placed a hand over her mouth. She looked away, but it didn't change the fact that she already had the mental image.

"The scan found a match? What does it say?!"

"Captain Katsuragi!" Makoto Hyuga. Misato hurried over to him. "The other scans... They don't check out! There's no S² Engine present!"

"This blood pattern doesn't make sense! It's violet, not blue!" Aoba stared at his computer screen, shocked.

"What?! What do you mean it isn't blue?! I thought you analyzed that at the beginning of the fight!"

"It took this long to identify it!"

Ritsuko cleared her voice, speaking over the rest of them. "That shouldn't be a shock! We already knew it wasn't an angel! Pull yourselves together!"

\-----

Shinji was screaming. He wasn't even really aware of what was happening. He just hurt, and every time he felt the metal of his Eva hit the cliff it hurt more. He was all alone. He was alone in the dark. He was afraid, too. He was more afraid now than he ever was in the past. No matter how much he wished to run away, or even for the pain to just stop, there wouldn't be any mercy.

What was he fighting? If it wasn't an Angel, what was it? What was he trying to escape from? Why wasn't anybody helping him? He brought everyone back! He made them who they were! Did they not care about that anymore? Did he mess up when he wished for a world like it once was?

Had the others not wanted to come back?

\-----

"Dr. A-Akagi- The scan- It-"

Ritsuko came over to stand behind Maya.

'AT FIELD IDENTITY MATCH COMPLETE: GENDO IKARI.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah. I intended for the battle to be one chapter long, but it looks like that's not happening. I apologize for the lack of explanation with things like the AT Field match system, violet blood type, and what in the actual hell is going on.  
> Since I have a reference for the "Angel", you should take it. It will help.  
> http://i1288.photobucket.com/albums/b496/xmetaphilia/19thAngel-Puriel_zps3347e525.png


	3. Memory (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How unsettling it must be to watch that kind of thing.

"That... That thing is Commander Ikari...?" 

"It seems so..."

"Shinji! It's Misato! Can you hear me?!"

He just kept screaming. At this rate, Shinji was going to die and Eva-01 was going to be destroyed. Then again, how do you stop something like that? What was the best course of action? 

"Get Rei and prepare Unit-00 for launch!"

"Yes ma'am!"

\-----

"All I must do is restrain it?"

"That's the plan, Rei. Please try your best not to destroy it. It's already doing a good enough job of that itself."

It didn't seem to register to the beast that it was going to kill itself, too. While its plan to destroy Unit-01 was working, it was also slamming the side of its own head into the rocks. 

"It has no S² Engine. It's going to run out of energy eventually." Misato took a deep breath. If Rei ended up in trouble, they would have to send Asuka out. She would probably kill it on purpose.

Rei nodded. Fair enough. If she ended up unable to restrain it, maybe she could get its attention away from Shinji long enough for him to retreat, and keep it moving until it got too tired to do anything else. 

"Should we tell her it's...?" 

"I don't think that's a good idea, Ritsuko. If we let either of them know, they might hold back. We can't have that happen." Misato gave a heavy, shaking sigh and placed a hand on her forehead. "What are we supposed to do? We don't want to kill it because we don't want to kill Commander Ikari, but so far nothing's working."

Fifteen minutes until Rei would be able to reach Unit-01, apparently. A long time to stay alive in a situation like that.

Fuyutsuki lowered his head. He didn't want to make the suggestion, but it was his job.

"If we can't get it under control, we can drop an N² mine on it."

"That'll destroy Headquarters!"

"Do you want it to destroy the city?"

"No... I wonder.. Unit-01.. She would usually have gone berserk by this point. Why hasn't she? That's not just her being attacked, it's her son, too..."

"Major Katsuragi... You have to keep in mind. Unit-01's resident soul is Yui Ikari."

"What does that change?" Misato glanced back at the screen. Rei seemed to be succeeding so far. "She's always done it. It makes no sense for that to just not happen."

"Think. That's Commander Ikari, if the Magi System is correct. Is she going to do that to him? Would Yui kill him?"

"That's not him, Ritsuko."

"It's not an Angel, either."

"Maybe not! I just know that isn't Commander Ikari! Why are we even doing this?! You realize for the past four months he's been completely unable to make sense of anything! I don't think the real Commander Ikari even exists anymore! He's too far gone! Even if we retrieve that- that thing-" Those two words dripped with venom and hatred. "What will we do with it?! Do you really think we can take that creature and do some kind of recovery operation like we did when Zeruel attacked and Unit-01 woke up?! Getting Shinji back was one thing! At least he was mostly there beforehand! I'm just ready to blow the damn thing up and get Shinji!"

"...What..?"

"Shinji!" The woman bit back tears. She knew they were going to lose him. They didn't, though. "Shinji, are you alright?!"

"You...You said..."

"I said what?"

"...That's...That's my father...? That's..? You- You're-"

"Shinji? Shinji, listen-"

"You're saying you'll just kill him?! Like that?! You- You're that ready to just- just-"

"Shinji, no! I didn't-"

"You're that ready to just destroy him?! Do you not care about him at all?!"

"Shinji! Listen to me! You-"

"What if that happened to me...? Would you be willing to blow me to pieces like that so quickly?! Would y-"

Boom. The video transmission cut out. A bone rattling explosion sounded, smoke obscured everything from view, and a bright green cross shot up into the sky.

"Sh-Shinji?! Shinji, answer me! Rei?! Hello?!"

The transmitter suddenly came back online. Sound only. An ear-piercing, stomach-churning scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was actually kind of hard to write. I have my ideas all laid out in my head, but sometimes I stumble over my own typing.


	4. Translucent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three days. Three days in a glass box. There was a need for food, water, maybe something else.

Sleep. Sleep was good. After being that upset, sleeping for three days was justifiable. Gendo Ikari didn't exist, did he? At least, not like before.

"Why does it always circle back around to me questioning my own existence?"

He was hungry for once. He had a feeling there wouldn't be anyone there for a while, though. Fair enough, he supposed. He had snapped at Ritsuko when she came in the room. She did have to forcefully move him out of there. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Of course, that didn't teach him a single thing.

The glass walls of space he was in made him uncomfortable. He didn't like it. Nobody ever came up here anymore but that didn't make it any better. This room was probably meant for some kind of testing.

He could see outside, at least. This had to be near the top of the headquarters. The Geofront didn't really have animals, save for the occasional bird. Even that was rare. The light floating through the glass wasn't real sunlight. If he looked far enough, he could see the edges of the underground fortress. The rounded smooth walls that curved gently upwards to the surface.

"Maybe they'll just forget I'm up here."

The door to the room opened, and Fuyutsuki entered. This was enough to draw Gendo's attention away from the side of the room that actually faced outside. The room was cut in two by a glass wall. It was angled where the light played tricks and made it seem not to exist. One could walk right into it.

"You. I'm going to assume she sent you up here."

"They seemed to think I'd be able to reason with you."

"Reason? I'm perfectly reasonable... If you're going to tell her anything, tell her... Tell her I'm fine. I don't want to see her."

Resentment rose up in his blood. Bitterness.

"I don't want to see a single one of them."

Fuyutsuki nodded, walking toward the door.

Who knew how long it would be before anyone else came? Gendo felt the acid eating at his stomach lining. He could still say something. He still had the chance to.

"...Fuyutsuki, wait."

The man turned back around.

"Yes?"

He needed to stop acting like he was above everything and everyone. Ritsuko was right. He was stubborn. He felt the need to always be right about things, always had to have the last word. Something had to give, from one side or the other, and he had the feeling the other side wasn't going to break any time soon.

"Please tell Ritsuko that anyone other than she or Misato can come up here, if she'll let that happen. I need something to eat, too. And water."

"Yes, sir."

"Why do you still call me that?"

It was silent for a long moment.

"Force of habit."

And he was alone once more.


	5. Humor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a lame joke, sure, but he tried. That was what meant so much.

Circles. Some wide, some not so wide. The metal floor never got any softer.

"What am I expecting? For it to turn into a bed?"

He snorted. Likely. He was driving himself crazy walking in circles. Not pacing. Circles. He should have worn down the metal so much he fell through the floor, but alas, he would never be so fortunate. It wasn't like he had anything else to do with his time. Fuyutsuki had come and gone a day ago. No food, no water. Nothing. Gendo had to wonder if someone would have come back if he hadn't said anything. Would they have sent Shinji? He shuddered, which got him back to shaking. Shaking like some Chihuahua with a nervous condition caught out in the snow. 

"Suppose it's because I haven't had food or water?"

No. That couldn't be it. He kept on walking. Maybe that was the only thing keeping him grounded. If he stopped, would the room spin? Would he lose balance? What about the rest of the world out there? 

"If a Gendo passes out on the metal floor of one of the top floors of the Nerv Headquarters and there's nobody there to hear it, does he make a sound?"

Probably. Probably some kind of loud thud that draws the attention of the technicians working in the offices below. They look up to the ceiling, nothing there. They go back to work. Circles. More circles. He was going to exhaust himself, most likely. Then he would fall over and there would be some kind of sound. 

"If there's nobody here to hear me speak, then why am I talking out loud? Is it to validate my own existence? There I go again. Does Gendo exist? Does he not? Does he? Does he not? Does it even matter?"

Anyone listening in would find that kind of thing very out of character for him. Anyone listening in probably wouldn't have been walking around in circles for a full day talking about God knows what. When was he going to eat next? When was he going to have something to drink? 

"If I'm so thirsty, why do I keep talking? Is it to make sure I'm still me? That my conscious is still that of Gendo Ikari? Is it because I don't know this body I'm in, and not saying a word would make me feel smaller and smaller until I'm swallowed up by the strange anatomy and colors? Do I just like to hear myself talk?"

The lights outside dimmed. Night. Or, artificial night. There wasn't going to be anyone today either. He was going to drive himself mad. He was going to drive himself stark raving mad up here in this glass box. It was like some kind of zoo enclosure.

"Why do I keep asking questions? Why is that?"

The door started to open.

"Stop talking to yourself, stupid dog."

"Father?"

Oh boy. This was just the best possible thing to ever happen. Gendo only started shaking more violently. He wasn't afraid of Shinji, or talking to him. It was more of a matter of of how he was going to react to a large talking Angel dog thing. What exactly did the boy expect? Some kind of mute, brainless animal? What was the purpose of saying something? Did he expect a reply, or was he making his presence known?

"Shinji."

Silence. Somebody say something. Gendo hadn't been without some kind of noise for twenty two hours. He didn't know the exact number, but he estimated. He didn't turn around to look at Shinji. He felt like he couldn't do that. Not after what he did. 

"Are you alright?"

Perked ears. His son just asked if he was alright. What did he mean? 

"I'm fine."

This was just one big cloud of solid uncertainty. What was he supposed to say? Did his son expect him to say something in particular? 

"I brought food and water. "

"Thank you."

"You're talking to me less than you did before Instrumentality."

"I'm sorry."

Shinji wasn't sure if his father was sorry or not. He hadn't even expected to be spoken to. Was he supposed to start a conversation? The boy didn't know what to talk about. He didn't want to bring up that incident.

Maybe it was a mistake to even mention Instrumentality. 

"What do they say about me?"

Shinji blinked. He hadn't expected a question like that. 

"Do they say bad things?"

There was something in Gendo's voice that Shinji didn't recognize. He couldn't place the tone or nuance to any particular emotion. He had never been good at that. 

"No. They don't talk about you much. They don't talk about the Evas much anymore, either. It's like nobody has anything to say anymore."

If he was ever going to open up to his father again, maybe now was a good time. Something gave him the impression Gendo would listen to him. Maybe because nobody else showed interest in going up there to see him.

"I don't like it."

"Don't like what?"

"I don't like them being quiet like that. It's like nothing is happening. It grates on my nerves. All I ever really hear is the noise the computers make, or the vents, or the doors closing. When they do talk, it's worse than the silence. They almost whisper, but not quite. Like they're afraid of something. I can never make out what anyone is saying. Even Asuka talks like that! She's not quiet, father! It's not right! You're the only one here that seems to talk at a normal volume! They act like all the Angels are gone. Like there won't be more."

He paused.

"No. No- They didn't talk about it but- I followed Fuyutsuki into your office. They have these papers about a nineteenth angel, and I think-"

"They mean me, don't they? They've classified me as an Angel."

"...Yes, father."

"Puriel. Did that paper say what it means?"

"I think it said it means "fire of God". It's supposed to be the Angel of punishment."

"Who's being punished? Them? Me?"

"Why would it have anything to do with you? What have you done?"

That comment earned Shinji a dark chuckle, as his father moved from a sitting position to simply laying on the floor.

"What haven't I done?"

"Well-"

"Rhetorical. Shinji, don't end up like me. I don't care what you do in life otherwise."

"I'll try. I have to go. Ritsuko told me to be back before seven."

There was a small part of the glass wall that had hinges, presumably for the purpose of feeding whatever was held there in the past. Shinji pushed the food and water through it.

"Shinji?"

"Yes?"

"What time is it?"

"...I don't know."

"Time to get a watch."

Shinji smiled a little. It was lame, but it was an attempt. The way his father told the joke made it even better. He said it like he was completely serious. Obviously, he wasn't, but it still sounded that way.

"Goodbye, father."

"Goodbye."

Shinji burst into a fit of laughter once he stepped out of the room and the door closed. That was the first joke his father ever made, as far as he could remember. It was a bad joke, but it was still a joke.

Gendo smiled. It wasn't a big smile, but it was a start. He could hear Shinji laughing. 

It was the first time he had heard Shinji laugh in a very long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. I finished this during the night. Hopefully this isn't some kind of night-blogging type story and I can write this during the day!


End file.
